Storm

find the center

deep within

breathe, focus, shhhh….

find the storm

the one screaming and tearing through every memory until it is all gray and tattered

the one with you sitting in the middle of it all weeping

wondering

why?

go to her

as your mind races to find the words to say

don’t

stay here with her

run your fingers through the ashes and crumbles of somethings long forgotten

breathe in the raging wind

let the gusts inflate your lungs past what you are comfortable with feeling

swallow the sand and grit licked off your lips

take her hands

she will startle, out of her sobs at the feeling of flesh against hers

her eyes with widen

look into them

she the husk within

Realize

it isn’t the storm that has destroyed the memories and joy

she has housed the winds within her body

expelled it all and lived within the wreckage as a shell mourning

for what, she can no longer remember

she aches from emptiness, not loss or broken pieces or ashes

she parts her dry lips to speak

but has no air and she vomits back out the gust that threatened to fill her lungs

smile

because you see her for what she is and can be

breathe it into her, through her broken lips and frightened eyes

not life or love

but the storm

she will fight against the contact

be patient

watch

as the fires around you fill her eyes

and she tilts her head back to scream into the empty skies

lead her to where she can be a hurricane

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Unwritten

In my mind’s eye I
see coexistence immaterial and unrestricted
we never parted ways
only allowed the illusion of time
to be
and sever connections
in our mind’s eye

We are a novel left unwritten

Disease

Today

I cannot take it anymore

This morning

I exist on my sheets unaware of my breathing

unaware of my feeling

unaware that I even have feet to carry me to the couch

For hours I lay not knowing I am alive

that I can move, and do, and feel

anything

I took them

all 5 Kix sized morsels of “this will make you feel better”

with stale last night’s coffee

I screamed on the inside:

I cannot take this anymore

I would rather rage the storms of dark and light than

simmer in the void of medicated

But I simmer

afraid

Afraid of losing grip

again

Afraid of the bottom of the bottle

and the bottom of another

and unwritten suicide notes to no one

again

Afraid of my “no” not working

my “stop” not ceasing

my “I want” meaning nothing

powerless

again

diseased

again

crazy

again

Again I unravel in waves of desire

I feel

something

and I take hold of it like the first desperate grasp

of a mother’s breast

not knowing how this works but moved by instinct and hunger and need

I feel

a flutter of feeling

an emotion

and throw myself upon it lest it leave me

alone

again

I hold it in my two hands and stare

I weep

because I do not understand

what feeling is

what this one is

I weep

because it leaves me

every time

Every time

Every time

E v e r y  t i m e

It’s gone.

The Veil

There is a veil
Untorn, unrent
Dividing thought from thinking
Tied down, strapped
To a table
Scream,
But no one hears
“No” does not work here

Feel nothing
Inhale fatigue
Exhale empty
Trudge, cope, shatter
Rebuild the shell of self

Euphoria is an illness
Treat it with injections and unconsciousness
Power is dangerous
Strap her down
“No” does not work here

Crawl
Beg for light
Swallow no control
Ingest, now
The feeling of feelings will subside
You’re shooting blanks into your skull
This will not end
You must endure
Breathe, this will not stop
Cut, the knife is dull
Swallow, you will reject
Jump, just try
This will not end
“No” does not work here

The veil remains

An Ode

This is an Ode to my dad, to a struggle imbedded in our genes that we both share. I got the call that he’s back in the hospital. Probably
The fourth depressive episode this year. Found curled up on the floor, most likely in a sea of mental darkness.

I wrote this in 2004. I used to call these pieces my angst poetry. But in reality, it stemmed from a flood of neuronic firings and complete void of endorphins of any sort.

Depression sufferers battle their own minds daily. I believe with expression, we can see the beauty in our own darkness. Pain is something we all share. Left alone, we drown. Too many choose to end it all in order to be free from the anguish.

________________________________

Scream
These words in a last ditch effort to 
Save
Myself from impending doom
Still
I’m dying from this selfish effort to
Savor
Every sin in this empty room

Cut
Myself in this last ditch effort to
Cleanse
This filth coursing throughout me
Create 
In me something real in order to
Call
Me to something more I can’t see

Bleed
Forever never ceasing to stop this
Burgundy 
Flowing out from me
Bend
Yourself now, prostrate this
Body
So weak, can’t see

Fail
To respond to the word that’s spoken
Flail
Like a fish drowning in this sea
Found
My pleasure in pain, love broken
Find
Me destroying all that I could be

Fail to fallow
Fail to see
I refuse to swallow
What I can’t be
Call my name
Call me still
It’s still the same
But I can’t fill
This purpose you gave me
This life with a reason
I walk, refuse to see
Continue in blind treason

Shell

Inside
Let the external world be
Sit
Stare
Breathe

I am a shell
Smoother inside than out
Curled in and around tight enough for none to reach

Let no one in
Observe
Calculate

I speak
The words are empty
I think
A cornucopia of abstractions
My body is a machine
The ghost is silent

Ebb

Babble into me

Crash and ebb each click off your tongue

Then silence

Stare

Dream

Epics and Odysseys

Loss never lost

And openness so vast you wake in wonder

With eyes open and singing novels into existence

I will consume your knowledge

Then bathe in your being

Then dance until I am no more

Than who I am

Modern Slaves

$10/hr 9 to 5
while the Masters make their Hundred Thousands
there is no equality
not yet

the world is starving
garbage is piling
children dying
ignorance spreading

this is not the Earth of growth
of true potentiality

not yet